It’s like standing on beach, watching the huge wave bearing down on you, and knowing you can’t get out of it’s way. You might get washed out to sea and drown, you might get smashed against the rocks in the surf, you might just get knocked down and swallow some water, but no matter what, you’re gonna get soaked. Relapse of an illness you thought was ‘sleeping’ sucks. I hope this bout doesn’t wash me out to sea, but it’s too soon to tell.

I tried to cheer myself up yesterday. I was going to do a little retail therapy after physical therapy. Then I got my current physical therapy bill. I guess that has to count as my retail therapy, it wiped me out of money. Then I got home and my bill for my surgery was waiting in the mail for me. Thank the squirrels that my surgeon and my anesthesiologist won’t be billing me, cuz I’d really be screwed then.

I got a funny text message from a friend last night that cracked me up
“I sent an angel to watch over you last night. He came back and said he can’t watch porn. Thanks for traumatizing my fucking angel!”

Maybe I should take up watching porn? Oh hell, I can’t afford that right now either! I guess I'm just stuck with my own dirty imagination, at least til next paycheck!

I just met with my surgeon. My hip is all inflamed and I can't commute for another week or so. So back to sitting at home being cranky. What fun.
Hopefully I will have internet access this time.

After yesterday's painful ride into work with the nut-job female cabbie, I was reluctant to hail a cab outside the hospital after work in case the nut-job was lurking, waiting to save me from myself with her energy work. I am not opposed to energy work in general, just to sickly looking cabbies who offer to pull over to fix my energy when theirs is obviously in bad shape. I gathered up my nerve anyway and stuck my paw in the air to catch a cab. I was delighted when a Rasta-type guy pulled up with island tunes blaring and a phone in his ear. All the way to Grand Central he was screaming into the phone at what I think was his woman (since he kept calling her "stupid woman"), he only paused in his screaming at her to cuss out drivers he felt were getting in our way. Now THAT is how to travel!
In other news.. the hip (yes I am going to whine again)has something very wrong with it. Ya know that sensation you get when to sleep wrong and you can't turn your head without terrible pain? Like a nerve being trapped? Well, I used to get that all the time before the surgery, AND IT'S BACK!!!
I am working in the same O.R. as my hip surgeon today so hopefully he can do something about it for me.
My partner does not read this, she doesn't even remember I told her about this little blog thing, so this is not to score points (or just score), but I have to mention how fantastic my partner has been with this whole hip thing. I have had problems off and on with it for over a year, and have been completely unable to get around much for a few months now. She has done everything around the house, taken the dog on every walk (even after working 12 hour days), fetched me everything I need, pampered me, and never once complained or even made a face. When I tell her I am sorry she has to do everything, she gives me the warmest smile you have ever seen, tells me she loves me and that she doesn't feel like she's doing everything. how cool is that?
My neighbors have also been helpful, especially my Crazy Neighbor. When my GF works late they all check on me and offer to fetch me things or drive me places.
Well, I guess I had better get working, it looks like I'm going to need the health benefits a bit longer!

My two weeks at home sucked. I was unable to get around, unable to sleep, and unable to relax. Every freakin day there were either landscapers, construction workers or screaming children in front of my apartment, causing the dog to bark NON-STOP!! The dog only barks when we are home. My neighbors say she never makes a peep when we are out, except when the mailman comes.
The state is removing the overpass a block from our house and are doing it between 8pm and midnight every night so they don't interrupt traffic. This involves large jackhammers and rock blasting. Who the hell thought 8-12pm was a good time to do this???
I need some freakin sleep. I am back at work, and hoping to get some rest here.

Ok, now I am really upset. My ortho just called me to say that he got my arthrogram results. I said, “Well that was fast” he said, “Well, they found a few things they thought we should know about.” So he tells me that they did an MRI of the whole pelvic region before focusing on the hip so they could compare both hips. Well, someone was letting their eyes wander because “they found some issues with your uterus, and we need to send copies of this to your GYN. Do you have her number handy?”
So, “issues” yay. Now I have to wait to hear from my GYN.
Back to the hip, big ol’ honkin’ tear in the labrum. Much worse than it was last year.
Choices; 1. Likely permanent need for cane, which can cause other hip and spine problems. 2. Surgery, which not only has risks, but doesn’t always work.
If I have the surgery, should I have it at my own hospital? Hip surgery involves a lot of positioning of the patient, and NO UNDERPANTS!!!!!!!! While prepping patients for this very surgery, I have seen more up close va jay-jay than you can imagine. Some nice, some not so much. I trust my favorite boss 10000% to do my anesthesia, and I would get spoiled rotten by our nurses. It’s outpatient, so risk of infection is close to nil. I don't know what to do.
This sucks d0nkey-dick.

I had the dreaded arthrogram yesterday (I went sober, stupid move). This time the injection into the joint wasn’t nearly as painful as last time. This doctor used a local anesthetic first, and here’s the important part.. LET IT START WORKING before he shoved the huge honking needle into my hip. All was well; I was snoozing happily in the MRI (no claustrophobia here!), when the local anesthetic wore off. The tech said I went from snoring to whimpering in 2 seconds flat. Of course as soon as I was awake enough to realize I was whimpering, I stopped. Can’t have people thinking I’m a total wuss. I hope to have my results tomorrow.
I should have stayed home from work today apparently. My boss saw me at rounds this morning and said “why are you here?” I told him that I wasn’t aware that coming to work today was optional. He just shook his head. I wish I had thought of staying home. Stupid Otter, stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
The dog got her rabies shot yesterday (I got to see the incredibly hot vet!) and she is taking today off to recover, she didn’t even get up to pee this morning when I got up. She didn’t bark when her archenemy went by the house at 5:45 this morning either. I just talked to my GF and she said that the pooch didn’t even chase squirrels on her walk this morning. Rabies shots must suck.
I guess I should go do some work since I was stupid enough to show up.

So I’ve been gimping around with my cane for two days now and have had no less than 300 people (some were total strangers) ask me “what happened?”
At work I just point to my co-worker and say “she beats me” (she then tries to look tough). I’ve also used;
“How was I supposed to know kangaroos were aggressive?”
“I guess I should have got on the ground when the cops told me to the first time.”
“Shark attack.”
“I zigged when I should have zagged.”

It sounds better than the truth, “I have a cranky hip, and right now it’s REALLY pissed off!”
So, any suggestions of other responses would be welcome.

(don’t worry, at some point I will stop whining. Not today though)

I hate it when a dream sneaks up on me and reminds me of things that hurt. Last night's dream wasn't all bad, maybe just bittersweet. I dreamed I was a field biologist again. Heading out into the tundra dressed in in my hikers, silk thermals, field pants with many pockets (filled with researchy-type things), two layers of fleece, gortex parka, my backpack full of food and emergency equipment, and weapons. Lots of weapons. Off for a day of stalking critters, and being stalked by other critters (hence the weapons). I woke up in tears.
I miss the tundra. I miss the sounds and the smells once the snow starts to retreat and the sea ice breaks up. Tiny little flowers explode all over the hummocks and millions of birds arrive from the south to lay their eggs. When hatching starts, you can pick up the eggs of 50 different species of birds in one day and listen to the babies inside peeping and tap-tap-tapping to get out. You can watch them go from an egg with no cracks, to a cracked shell, half-shell, damp little baby, a fluffy (what they are called when the feathers dry), and then gull-bait(when they get out of the nests and run like hell to get to the water before the gulls eat them).
I used to love to stop and have a snack by one of the gazillion fox dens while I was out. If you sit still for more than a few minutes the kits can't help but come tumbling out of the den to see what the smell is. Then they chase each other all over the place and pounce on each other. Sometimes they would creep up to get a better sniff of my lunch, but they usually would get distracted chasing each other again before long.
In the early spring you can spend a week in the field and never here a human-made sound. No planes, no voices, nothing but but the animals and the wind.
Once the sea ice breaks up fully and the polar bears are back on land there will be the sound of helicopters and a few small planes doing survey counts of the bears.

I have spent a good deal of today reminding myself of the reasons I can't do that anymore, and trying not to feel crushed that the rest of the team is leaving this week to go back. Without me.
Someone else will have my bunk. Someone else will use my guns. Someone else will put the little leg bands on the babies of the geese I banded when they were babies. Someone else will have lunch with my foxes. Someone else, will have my spot on the team.

I'll just keep reminding myself that I need a job that pays me enough to actually live on, and gives me health insurance, and that doesn't take me away from my relationship for months at a time (some chicks don't like that). I also couldn't do the 16-18 hours a day of stomping through thigh-high snow and then soggy tundra with a huge pack on my back unless my hip finally heals up fully.
I miss it.
I hope I don't dream tonight.

If your job was to work in the mail room of a hospital, would you be pissed-off that you had to deliver mail/packages? Would this seem unreasonable to you? I received 5 large heavy boxes of reserch equipment this morning, for a project we are starting tomorrow. The guys from the mail room brought them up, and despite the fact that they all said things like "fragile!' Handle with care!" "this side up!" one of the guys brings in this very heavy box and drops it to the floor, upsidedown. I said "please, that is very fragile and expensive equipment, please be gentle with it." His response? "Lady, you're lucky I can even lift it." as he drops the next box on the floor with a thud. "Can't your co-worker help you?" (his co-worker was just standing there watching him). He brings in the other boxes by himself and drops them on top of the first two. I would have unloaded them from the cart myself (I am fairly strong), but I am in a back brace and have been told not to lift more than 8 lbs for the next two weeks, which is really fucking annoying.
I have been limping a bit (some days more than others) since I dislocated my hip last year, and this seems to be causing some alignment problems with my spine. It finally got to the point last thursday that I was really almost unable to move. I had my chiropractor line me up again on thurday, but by Saturday it was bad again so I went back. He did such a great job on it that time that I forgot I was hurt and picked up a case of water at the supermarket and screwed it up again. I used to claim I wasn't too bright, but I could lift heavy things, now I can't even do that!

I never managed to fall asleep last night, everything hurts too much, even my freakin hair hurts. I feel like a giant bruise. I finally got out of bed at 4 a.m. and got ready for work. I took the 5:18 train and then forced myself to walk to work from Grand Central. I have to admit that between 5 and 6 a.m is the best time to walk in NYC. There are fewer people on the streets(but still a big number). All the building supers are out hosing down the sidewalks and polishing the doors. They almost all give you a cheerful "good morning" as you go by. I usually stick to Park ave or the other more residential avenues because that's where all the pretty trees are (all in bloom now), and that's where you get to pet the most doggies. I swear 90% of New Yorkers have dogs(which explains the need for the sidewalks to be washed each morning).

I'm on my 5th cup of coffee and it's barely 9 o'clock, probably not a great sign.

The crazy chick I work with that wasn't speaking to me, appears to be speaking to me now, I have no idea what changed.

To entertain myself today, and to keep me awake, I have desided to resume torturing my co-worker. She goes to the bathroom ALOT, so this leaves ample oppotunity to change her screensaver to naked people, hide her chair in another office, unplug her mouse etc.
I need more coffee.

Ok, I have to whine like a big freakin' baby for a minute. The pain from my fibromyalgia is so bad today I am ready to cry. Some lady bumped into me getting on the subway (I let 3 trains go by because they were crowded and I knew I'd get bumped), and I almost couldn't keep the tears back. I also wanted to smack the crap out of her, but that would have required lifting my arms, so I just wished her a painful burning sensation when she pees.

Now I have to bitch about something for a minute.. what's with all the people pulling these damn backpacks and briefcases on wheels? I am sure it is nice to not have your laptop dragging your shoulder down, or kids with 5 huge textbooks to take to school everyday, but really, does everybody need to drag one of these ankle-smashers down the crowded streets of NYC? I propose that NYC institute designated lanes on the sidewalk like they do on the streets here ( bike lane, bus lane, emergency vehicle lane). I think we need lanes for; passed-out drunk homeless people, folks with ankle-smashers or strollers, slow walkers/gawkers/tourists, and people with places to get to (me). I'll have to call the Mayor later and see if we can get this in place by the time I have to come back here tomorrow.

I think I have a cold sore starting. I think it's from taking a quiz on Syd's blog (adrenalinesshadow dot com) I can't embed links using this proxy server unfortunately

What you don't want to hear your friend the radiologist say as they are looking at your chest x-ray.. "Ewwwww! Could you stand over THERE? I have kids at home." 

I couldn't see it,  it all just looked x-ray-ish to me, but apparently Helen Keller could tell I have pneumonia. 
It's not terribly impressive for an asthmatic, we do these things, but it still makes ya feel like crap. It ruined xmas. I didn't know at that point it was pneumonia, I just felt like moose-poop and spent the day on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Now I am sitting at work feeling sorry for myself. Soon I'll go home and feel sorry for myself. Seeing a trend here?

I have been without a wireless signal for a while now and can't hit LJ without one (blocked from work). I seem to have one for the moment so here goes. I am sick sick sick. About an hour ago I coughed up what I am certain was my spleen. Feels like Ebola (a little dramatic maybe?) I plan to leave work early. I stayed home yesterday and watched All Creatures Great and Small on DVD and whined to the dog a lot. The pooch was happy just to have a snuggle-buddy all day. My wonderful partner called several times to check on me, and offered to bring me whatever I wanted for dinner. When she got home she walked the dog and fussed over me. I have most of my family coming to NY to spend xmas with me so I have much to do before they arrive on Sunday. At least I don't have to buy gifts. This year we are all chipping in the money we would have spent on gifts, putting it in an account and will chose a charity or needy person(s) to give it to in the next year. I do plan to get my partner a gift but I have yet to find one. 

oh oh... I have to go work now.

 

 It's been 2 years, 6 months and 9 days since my beloved Rottie mix, Katie, died. Shouldn't it be easier by now? Shouldn't I be able to think about her without crying like a 6 year old? When am I going to feel better?

 I have had very little sleep over the past week. I have had to be up around 4:30 everyday for work, and I had my part time job early in the day both Sat and Sun. I am also PMS so I have insomnia like you wouldn't believe. Damn hormones! So last night I go to bed early because my GF is at some fancy function for her job. I learn that I can't sleep until I know she is home safe. How long can a work function run, right? Well, not too long, but then you stop for drinks with your pals on the way home because your GF is home asleep and won't mind if you stay out later. 
So she rolls in around midnight, just buzzed enough to be chatty as hell. She can't contain herself. Every time I start to drift off she starts asking "where's the dog?" (the dog is between us also trying to sleep. The dog has oral surgery in the morning and wants to be rested.). I start to drift off again. My personal Jack-in-the-box pops up and decides to look for her keys (where is she going at 12:45 am?). She comes back to bed and hunts around in the blankets for the now-annoyed dog. She announces "the dog is right here!". Tell me something I don't know. She then puts her head down and promptly falls into a deep sleep, in which she snores. I am now fully awake, and pissed. I know a large portion of the reason I can't sleep is my hormones. I am crazy sensative to sounds when I am anywhere near my period (yes, I said period right here online), I gag and sometimes vomit at the sound of someone chewing during this time, and snoring sounds 100x louder than it really is. The dog's mouth is dry because we had to remove her water for the surgery in the morning so she keeps making smacking sounds trying to get some moisture into her little mouth. Then the dog begins to snore. It's 2:12 a.m. last time I look at the clock. I have to be up at 4:30 to be at the hospital by 6:45 for a procedure on a research subject.
I am so exausted I could cry. 
Of course the research subject ended up not having the research procedure because the surgeon had overestimated the damage to the dude's knee and didn't have to replace the part he thought he would need to replace. So no sleep, no usable data, no patience. I am going to be fun the rest of the day don't you think?

Oh yeah, I filed the papers with the Clerk's office yesterday. I am officially in business!

So we had a bit of excitement here yesterday if you haven’t heard. There was a big explosion near Grand Central Terminal. They say it was a steam tunnel, and they say it wasn’t terrorists. I don’t believe a damn thing our govt tells us. I had just exited the train up in the burbs when it happened, I am so glad I was not late leaving work yesterday. The footage on TV last night of the huge crowds walking the streets up through the city trying to get home was a little too reminiscent of that awful September day. At least there were not too many injuries, it could have been much worse. My commute this morning was a special kind of fucked-up due to the blast, but if that’s the worst of it, I’ll get over it. I had to walk from Grand Central, which I usually enjoy and do intentionally, but I am starting with another bad episode and could barely drag myself to work today. The two mile walk almost made me cry. I have been feeling a bit sore, rather stiff, and fatigued the past few days but chalked it up to my weekend adventures. Then the blinding headache hit yesterday, followed by the body pain and fatigue that almost made me give up while trying to walk home from the train last night. I am hoping that if I go to bed early every night (7:30pm last night) and drive or take cabs the rest of the week, I might be able to pump myself full of pain killers and caffeine and still go on the paddling outing on Sunday with the Sundance group (a gay outdoors club). It’s supposed to be an easy paddle, on calm water, but if I still feel like this I am not going anywhere. Most of the movement difficulty is in my legs this time, so if I can deal with the pain and fatigue, I can still paddle with my arms! I hate this crap.